So here we go again...
its day 5 since the birth of my son... im home now and feeling great besides the overwhelming feeling of depression periodically throughout the day. unfortunately my husband .. once again... isnt around.
he knows that he has been the only kind of support i have ever had for most of my life and of course seems to refuse to want to listen to my emotional ranting.
dont get me wrong i am more than in love with him all over again for even being around for the delivery but we just gave up our child! i know that it hurts him but definitely not as much as it has hurt me. i was the one carrying him for the first 9 months of his existance, have endured all the heat from people that think teenage moms are whores, and the crazy mom that unrealistically wants me to keep our son. he wasnt there when i was going through any of that and the only time i would ever leave my room was when i needed to go to class or needed to get prenatal vitamins.
its depressing not being able to leave your own house because youre afriad of people staring at you and just making up completely heinous rumors about who the father of the baby is when youve been with your significant other for almost 5 years and havent even touched another man. ever since i found out i was pregnant.. it was just all about sitting in my room alone wondering when my husband was going to call me or even ask how i was doing which was rarely ever. im not exactly sure what to do. i feel like that when i talk to him about it we would get into an argument and totally rediculous things would come out of both our mouths. it makes me feel really guilty when i yell at him because he works so hard all day everyday so we can have a good stable life together in the future. his day would start at 5 in the morning and it wouldnt end til 2 in the morning the next day when he doesnt have to.
im deathly in love with him and always will be for what he does but its just so hard never getting to see him. there was a point when i did get to talk to him about all of this and it turned out with me balling my eyes out for hours because i was deeply afriad for his life. it gets to be really hard being an Army wife and believe me its no walk in the park even when he does get to be at home for a long period of time.
Right now what i need more than anything is just support and someone to talk to. yet again ive been having these depression surges and because of what they are over they get to be too unbearable to handle on my own. typically ive always been able to handle my emotions and working out their rationality but not this.. not over my son.
thats it for now

<3

wow looks like i havent written here for a while.
heres the update....
1. both my parents now want me to keep the baby. no matter what im not going to whether they like it or not, its not really any of their business what i decide to do. its frustrating when they talk to me about it just becuase its not long before i lose my temper because of the way they just come at me about it. but i mean whatever. they just get into way too much when they try to talk to me. they just gossip and pretend like they know everything way too much for me to even try to talk to them. as soon as i open my mouth the whole world finds out 10 seconds later, its cause of my mom. she comes home and gossips about work to my dad and whatever goes on here at home the whole salad bar @ hyvee knows what went down.
2. Hes still just never around. i try really hard to get him to do things with me to care of the baby and it just gets frustrating becuase his work or his Army duties start becoming his excuses. i ask him every week if he wants to come to a doctors appointment and all i hear is 'i might have to work' when chances are he does end up working even though i let him know at least a week if not more ahead of time. i understand hes scared and doesnt really understand what's going on but does work really have to become an excuse to get out of something like helping take care of your own child?
3. college... YAWN!! damn in the past 2 weeks ive finished half a semester worth of homework ad now im just wasting away in my classes sleeping and getting A's on my quizzes. i guess this is how i like to put my 6K a semester to use. but you know the first year is always the easiest right? i just know that my ass isnt going to be sitting around like i do after this year. the cafeteria food has already made me sick once and im kind of pissed about it cause it wasnt really that bad. i just hope ill get used to it. it would be nice to get the money back for the meals i didnt use cause that is a lot of money wasted for only using like 12 when i have a meal plan for 20 a week. wow what a deal that would be right? i would probably be doing more and getting more involved in stuff if i wasnt pregnant though so i guess all this sitting around in my room thing wouldnt last too much longer.
4. all the drama is FINALLY over. the people that practically tried to ruin my relationship last year with my boyfriend are g.o.n.e. thank the lord. i would probably be in jail right now for my first murder if they were still here. my reputation is in the safe zone for now. its probably just because my boyfriend isnt here this semester but who knows who he told that to. all i know is that drama is finally over and we can move on with our lives.
5. im tired
6. i got 3 parking tickets in one day... yesss! go lazy me.
7. my legs and feet are always swollen now cause this alien growing inside of me is like cutting hella circulation from my legs. yay how fabulous
8. some very nice nurses in practice on campus took my blood pressure and im 120/170.. totally PERFECT! i thought it was going to be out of this world just because im just such an angry person all the time. they caught me just at the right time though where i was just chillin out workin on my rubiks cube waiting for class so it was pretty cool.
9. i need a backpack. i though the whole cute really big purse to put my books in was going to be fabulous but with all the shit i have to carry now... its not so fabulous.. even though people enjoy the many large bags that i have. i guess im just not one of those 'carrying everything on one shoulder' kind of person.
10. oh boy do i love being pregnant... farts that last 5 minutes and a FANTASTIC excuse to not have to anything physical! lol

thats all for now
toodles

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so i had a serious talk with my husband about this whole war in iraq bullshit and junk. as ive written in previous posts, he's in the army and of course im deathly afriad that he would have to be deployed soon with all this crap thats going on in georgia.
well he gets pretty fired up when it comes to people (such as the media) glorifying local military activities, such as an air show, but yet they oppose the war and all this shit. well i can tell him right now that i personally do oppose the war. but the fact that i am very accepting of the things that go on around me i love him anyway and even though our views are completely different im ok with that cause that's not why i fell in love with him in the first place. regardless of what i believe i show serious respect for what he and people like him do.
Anyways, personally i think that whether people oppose the war or not, it's still going on and at this point theres nothing we can really do about it. sometimes i just think that peoples' opinions like that just have reasons that are kind of ignorant. im not going to justify that though so please dont feel offended if you do indeed oppose the war.
Now i think that my reasons are completely justified... i hate all this war bullshit because humans like my husband, that i want to spend the rest of my life with, see every morning when i wake up til i die, have a family with, and just plain finish my life with get deployed and sometimes NEVER COME BACK and then all ive planned for is gone just like that and i would have to start all over again. it may sound pretty selfish to a lot of people but that's my personal reality and probably the scariest reality i can think of. i definitely speak for a lot of army wives that i know at some point have felt the same thing. i cry just thinking about it which is why my husband and i never really talk about things like this and when we do i just get really emotional just because of the fact i could lose him that easily.

ok thats all i can mention right now. im for real starting to get emotional i just needed to get that out of my head.

 

ok so here I am in my dorm for dinner just trying to get through the dreaded, hot as hell, band camp... and .... there is officially nothing really to do. ive already practically lived up here before. the people are kind of weird and they get weirder.. not exactly my kind of crowd but what can you do. anyway.. im unpacked and ready so what do i do now? this pretty much sucks im sure it will get better as time goes on but really im not the kind of person who actually minds being alone... im actually totally ok with it. espescially after being told what to do all fucking day long its nice to be by myself and enjoy my time. my roommate though is super cool. she likes to keep to herself as much as i do. dont get me wrong we still try to get to know each other but we're both respectful of all quiet time that goes on in the room so im totally ok with that. i have yet to get this reputation off my ass though let alone being pregnant and im marching band on top of it.. yeah.. it sucks. not only do you get talked about behind ur back about being a possible drug dealer and big bitch, but you get the 'is that even her baby?' bullshit too.
i always wonder why the first thing that comes to everyone's mind when a woman is pregnant is ' who is the real father?'. i think its totally bullshit. most women are completely dedicated and good to their men like me and people still want to talk about you. oh well i guess some people just talk cause theyre jealous that they cant be faithful to their own men.. but whatever. well is time for another band rehearsal..

uh... yay band?

<3

i love my baby

so my mom wants me to keep the baby.

it started out with a "have you gone to look for baby clothes yet? lets go shop for baby stuff!"
and then ended with a "fuck you it's not your baby, money, or business!"

i hate my mother for trying to be so helpful but
1. i am not keeping the baby one way or another. i have NO time, energy, or even enough hours in my day to take care of it. im still dependent on my own parents!.. i dont want to corrupt my child knowing that i cant even support myself.
2. unless my own mother is going to adopt my child and raise it as her own she can do that, whatever, but i wouldnt want to freak out a kid that thinks his/her sister is really his/her own mother.
3. it makes me cry a river when anyone talks to me about my baby cause emotionally.. i dont want ANYTHING to do with this baby. yeah whatever it was my mistake but i cry about it mostly because i feel so heartless and almost dont mind about another human being and i truly wish i wasnt that way. if anything i would love to give up everything to take care of my own flesh and blood and make him/her everything im not.
4. i wish i could be that excited about having this child.. to go out and shop for my baby's first clothes, hear his/her first word, see his/her first steps... i hate seeing my mom that excited about something and me completely being an ass and shooting it down.. whats worse is that she was actually excited about something that has to do with me which is pretty much never.
5. on my dad's part he would have been pissed to hear what my mom has said. he would rather me give up my baby rather than give it to my mom to take care of. as his motto states "if you get your ass into it, your getting your own ass out". besides she cant even take care of herself and i dont even trust my own mom.
6. its hard enough doing this on my own. for those single moms out there.. i worship all of you. i wouldnt be a single mom but.. my husband is in the military so hes ALWAYS gone, that or hes always working.. so im going to these doctor appointments alone, paying for everything alone, going through these adoption services on my own, and just plain sitting around the house just waiting to finally have the baby... alone. and for some reason i just know im going to be alone when comes time. just possibly sitting in that hospital alone considering i wont even be home, ill be at school. no parents, no friends, no husband.. just me, a doctor, and maybe that nice person that drove me to the hospital. just thinking about what i just might know will happen terrifies the hell out of me.

as tough as ive always been.. im scared shitless.
what am i to do?

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